I’m starting to fear leaving the darkness…
I heard people discussing the quote “Even a small light shines bright in the darkness” recently.
I’ve been in a really dark time.
God has been showing me a lot of my failings and weakness.
I’m hardheaded enough that He’s had to knock me down and turn out the lights.
But now I’m seeing Him everywhere.
He shines a little light.
It pierces the darkness.
I hear His voice in places that months ago were filled only with noise or silence.
I see His hand in the little things.
I see my frailty and utter dependence on His daily portions of strength, grace, and wisdom.
And now, when I see the light growing in front of me, I start to have a small gnawing of fear, that cold tightness in my stomach.
I don’t fear the light, but I fear losing sight of the source.
Here in darkness, that light is unavoidable.
I cannot help but see God.
But I fear returning to the light, where His gifts are abounding, and His blessing in my life make it awash with light.
I fear going back to just blithely walking along, happily experiencing the light, while not noticing the source, the light-giver Himself.
In a paradox, I fear leaving this darkness, because I think I will end up back here.
I dread the fall, the jolt of fear, as the light fades, as the darkness chases it up and away.
I don’t like the place I stand now, but I fear moving.
I cannot stay.
But can I go?
Will I go?